Who am I? Who I am…

It feels like I’ve been struggling a bit to find myself these past few days.

Especially in terms of, but certainly not limited to, blogging now that the Juice Feast is over for me. So, I’ve found myself unclear, or unsure, of what to write about and have become and absentee-blogger. As one family member recently put it, “What’s new Hon? I’m not up to date with you since you’re not doing that juicing shit and writing anymore…” (And that could be the topic of a whole separate post!)

But that poses the question for me: What is appropriate to write about here? The juicing gave my (life and) blogging purpose and focus – and gave me the courage write about what I was going through and thinking on a daily basis in regards to the juicing… and it felt okay and safe and cool to let small and large doses of my non-juicing life (this personality named ‘Shea’) come into it because, well – let’s face it, when you’re juicing to that extent everything in your life becomes about, or is altered by, or is filtered through, the process of juicing. Everything I was thinking and feeling about everything became fair game because juicing became the main filter through which I experienced and thought about everything: my sleep or lack of sleep / my dreams or lack of dreams / my high or low energy levels / my supplements / my cleansing or exercise regime / my spiritual ideas / my relationships / my work and clients and day in general. And now, not juicing, I feel like Just Shea… Un-Juicy-Shea… a Super Hero in her daily disguise (with glasses and sans cape) who isn’t quite sure how to speak up, isn’t quite sure what to say. (But watch me write the uber-post on not knowing what to write… I know, it’s a skill, and oh so very Seinfeld!)

So now I look for and hope to find my voice – and also continue to return to the concept of ‘appropriate’ mostly because this blog is attached to my work website – which means not only do my peeps read this, but clients and potential clients can and do read this. Scary! And exhilarating actually. Since beginning this blog thing I’ve had several new clients come see me not only with their forms printed and filled out already (thank you!) but also having actually read every single word on my website including this blog! I’d hate to think I’ve lost anybody before they every actually met me because of something I may have written, maybe I cursed, maybe I said “God”, maybe I talked about my own ego or eating disorders or coffee enemas. Well… I guess the point I will focus on is that several came anyway! So I am really going to use this space to journal and stay open and self-disclosing and personal… Sometimes I might say “fuck’ and sometimes (a lot probably) I will talk about God and I might even do them in the same sentence. And I will have faith that in staying true to myself not only will I find my voice, I will find my true peeps and they (including clients) will find me. Groovy, eh? (Wanna hear something Totally Groovy? I happen to know Sarma read my blog the other day… *B R E A T H E * (MGC – Major Girl Crush) (Yes, Stephen knows.) . Now – please go read hers and then go buy something…)

Back to finding myself: The Juice Feast also seemed to give my life purpose and focus. I complained a ton, but of course now (that the weight is coming back) I’m romanticizing the hell out of it. Now that is it over I’m back in the food game and I’m bummed You’d think the food bit would be easy if you’ve given yourself the pretty clear and defining parameters of “Raw Vegan”. Maybe for some it is easy – but luckily I’ve read enough of other people’s blogs, and I’ve spoken to enough people (mostly women) at raw events and potlucks, and even in my office, to know for some of us easy it just ain’t. Okay, so I eat raw foods. So… which ones? Which work for me? . Yes – the Food Allergy Testing has helped tremendously – but it doesn’t give me doses, er, uh, I mean amounts. (Who’s an addict?) This plan is too fat concentrated, this one too cleansing – this one too much volume, this one not enough…it’s like being Goldilocks in the kitchen, forever. Even armed with my most current Food Allergy and Sensitivity Testing results, I am sometime still stumped. (if only it also gave doses /amounts… you can have exactly ½ and avocado, or 20 soaked almonds). Fascinating to me that I could drink juice for a month, and although I was ‘hungry’ I enjoyed feeling light, feeling my cells shrink up. And now that I am ‘off the juice’ I feel like if I don’t have a high percentage of fat in my blood stream I will simply fall (fly?) off the planet. I wake and do well, full of the best intentions and on juicy and blended foods, and then about 4 pm I completely panic. I go for nuts, tahini, avocados, fat fat fat… give me give me give me! And Coconut Bliss! Dayum! Can I just rant here for a minute? I can keep it to once or twice a week, but I am totally white knuckling it. And I know better, too! While I eat it I am in heaven! As soon as I am done I feel like crap – bloated, gassy, starting to anger… the next morning I am hung over, can’t wake up… I face the day with new Coconut Bliss-less resolve and by 6 pm I am Coconut Bliss-obsessed again! Literally sitting on my hands, rocking back and forth, asking Stephen to either hide my car keys or go to the damn store and but me more (he would if he loved me….). He tries to help, but he’s easily worn down by my incessant whining and he’s also addicted to the Bliss… At a point we both give in to the ‘Bliss Factor” and end up going to the store together, heads hung low, defeated. Then as we casually stroll through the doors and into Community Market (Wha’? Us? We’re not doing anything wrong…), we hit a spot where we look at each other break into a sprint, racing each other to the back cooler – just in case there is only 1 ‘mint galactica’ left. Here’s where I’m being lame… Coconut Bliss for all it’s healthy goodness does in fact have agave – and my most recent Food Test was Absolutely Clear that I am to avoid ALL sweeteners for now. I KNOW this, and yet I give in, and because of that I am insane – not to mention bloated. (This, btw, is exactly why I am such a good counselor for these tests… for exactly why AA or other 12 –Step systems are so effective. You need a drunk to help a drunk… you need a food addict to help a food addict. And you can’t lie to me about it – I recognize the signs and behaviors… so watch out!)

So I’m back at that cross roads… I don’t want to be afraid of food, but I am. Almost 2 months past the feast and weight is creeping back on and I am uncomfortable with it having been all shrinky so recently. I want to do a modified juice fast, more of a blended food feast (ala patty patty patty) – but I also want to take my friend Matt’s advice to heart and stop the insanity! Stop from more intense and limited diets, or eating plans, that I can’t maintain… causing me to swing the pendulum back to the other side (right now that is fat) and causing my poor little recently cleansed and shrinking cells to refill with fat and toxins and debris and expand to a busting point. I don’t want fat/bloated/gassy/ toxic cells. The point is the cleaner I get the cleaner my body wants to get so I’ll be pushed and driven by feelings from within to do just that. Those impulses alone can be the factor that makes me reach for fat or something to ground out.. and the more I swing back and forth, yoyo, the more dangerous and damaging it is to my body and cells. It doesn’t matter that I’m talking about the swing between avocados and coconuts or green juices, versus the more crazy S.A.D. versions of oreo binging or anorexic starvation of my past.. I’m still causing stress on my cells, so I really need to pick a level of eating I can stay at and be comfortable at for a while. I am so rambling. Sorry! I, we need consistency and persistency in life and in diet. Pick a level you can hang at. And hang there. And when your body is ready to move forward it will tell you. (and again, read Matt’s recent book, Raw Success – it is really good.) And that is exactly what I’m going to do …right after I do blended for a few weeks starting June 1^st.

As far as blogging is concerned, juicing was a safe foundation, a building block to add in sprinkles of my spiritual questioning and my pretty consistent struggle with insanity (especially around, but not limited to, food). Obviously with my profession (and mental obsessions) I will continue to write about food, juicing, cleansing whatever – but what I also really want to write about is an exploration of this mystery we appear to be living: questioning a dualistic thought system, whether we are here or appear to be here / the true nature of love and forgiveness / my quest for god within myself and relationships and my twisted thinking therefore my twisted reality and what it all means if it means anything at all. (You know, just to keep it light…)

So I guess I’ll just jump in whenever I’m moved to do so and try to find my voice. Bear with.

SheaShayShā